No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
