yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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