apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
