Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
