when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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