Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
