You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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