i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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