please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
