I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She tied me up with her honor cords...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
