I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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