i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
