gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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