You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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