I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
