you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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