We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
