my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
They have beer where we have blood.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
