I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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