you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
