that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
