my phone needs a breathalizer
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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