I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
