Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
