I think i peed on brittanys purse
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I did not marry a roomba.
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