i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
