He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
