Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
