I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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