a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
