Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
