This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
