im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
