My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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