Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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