I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
