I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
