well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
