You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
