I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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