She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
