I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
