watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
