the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
