Yo dont text me then not text me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
