I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
