i don't like sucking hair
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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