I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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