Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
