I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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