I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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